Life is strange...

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I fell in love for the first time with a stranger, a soul so similar yet so different from mine. I couldn't stand her yet I craved her light.
Back then I was searching for a reason to live, an early teen searching for his kind of people.
I entertained a lot of disrespect and been judged for my ability to question, only to be around her.
She was the prettiest girl I've ever met, while I was an asshole to everyone.

She left my heart broken.
Took my second love to fix it. My bestfriend.
I never understood why she cared but she cared. She was crazy for breathing life into a dying corpse, my kind of crazy.
She saw me get attached to objects of desire, she saw me learn to cook, she saw me fail at flirting, she saw me appreciate little things. She taught me to say "I love you" without hesitation. All those years we been through crazy shit. She fell sick, I would be worried. She failed, I'd encourage her to not give up.
We put in efforts into each other, however little they were.
But something changed. Blue clouds soon followed are merry friendship as we slowly drifted apart. She was no longer mine, I realised.
She broke down, like I did when my heart broke, but she still loved. She still loves. And she's in love.

Life is strange, never in my entire life I felt this lonely again.
Desperately I tried fixing my life, I got high, did risky things, tried to kill myself, become someone different. Chasing perfection. I wanted to emerge as a pheonix. I wanted to burn. I wanted him to burn. The old me to burn.

If only the world would see it. If only they knew how loneliness truly feels like, if only they knew what it means to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. If only they knew what dying means.

For my physical death didn't scare me, but this nightmare has been quite unpleasant.

I've played many love stories, written many poems where I'd happily die for my love. But there's yet to be another for whom I'd wanna live.
That's probably why I give up on them when loving them starts killing me.

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