Out of time

 Sleep, a necessary aspect of life, it's not only important to restore the functionalities of the mind but to keep track of time. My relationship with this entity has been quite difficult. Sometimes I spend my nights sleeping through the afternoon while sometimes cursing myself for all the things I've done before.

I'll never be able to understand sleep, but time is one such evil queen that has healed and also broken me at times. It's quite idiotic but I do feel like I'm running out of time. If we do the maths right an average human lives for about 60-70 years I've just been alive for 18. Still have forty-ish years, right?

I looked back at an old video I made, it was some random images of me and my friends from 2016 to 2018 or something I created at the start of the pandemic. Yeah, it still cringed. Like if I was watching a rainbow poop of a unicorn. It was still made after we got separated but... (sigh)... nevermind.

A near-death, a heartbreak, and the worst betrayals, life's quite rough. Even my parents know that I shouldn't be taken to funerals. Not because I fear corpses, (well, that was a stage once) but my insensitivity to others' pain. Not exactly real pain but their fake moans and display of grief. When it's real it feels like I just hate being heard.

You know life's so screwed up that I spent my Saturday night (which is actually Sunday morning) thinking about why I'm a loser. I write a book where my projection of myself is the protagonist, that dumbass gets to have whatever I couldn't. He's cool and never looked down on because he's smart.

Once upon a time, I even had a dream where I was perfect...(chuckle)...perfect.

Time's such a bitch that it just loves to make my life more miserable. It never stays nor does it goes any faster. The misery is when I can't cry. Not because I'm a boy but I physically can't sometimes. Like is there are no tears left.

Life as a kid was simple. As you grow up everything feels so complicated. Happiness is temporary, while Sadness is permanent. All concepts of time are quite illogical on emotions. Like I was out of time.

Got no time to wrap my shit together. That evil queen just threw another f-bomb on me. It's 6.30 still awake got a lecture at 8. Hope I see you around the corner. I appreciate your reading.