Let's Just Talk

It's midnight, yet the thought of you crossed my mind. We aren't even friends yet this thought won't let me sleep. I picked up my pen and started writing. As far as I can remember I first saw you when you spoke the other day. Acted all silly, doodling on sketchbooks and walls, saying it's fun. I think I noticed you when you wrote a poem about your love. But searching back, I realised we crossed paths before. It was a monsoon trip. I have no idea where you were or who you were with, I was busy dealing with my own life. Heartbreak. Existential dread. This question still bugs me, what if we talked that day? Perhaps, I would have forgotten about you just as quickly. I remember us brainstorming over a mystery, and playing a game. A couple minutes later I forgot, I was too busy again with another fantasy. Each moment I saw you, I wanted to be more like you. Childish, and carefree for a moment, perhaps you made me realize I could just love myself again. That for once I can let...

I once wrote in 2018: "If you have made a bad choice, Don't be afraid, The legends, The epics, The great novels, Were all born from bad choices. Bad choices make good stories. You don't get what you want, You don't need what you want, Your present is everything. So, what if you made some bad choices, They make a better story. Why not wait until the good stories come, Why not wait until you have some hope, Why not stand until your dreams aspire you, Why not make a bad choice of waiting, Why not go and work on it without quiting? What is more important is that you choose your faith." It's almost 2024, starting to hate how this hopeful kid became such a nhialistic Narcissistic sociopath like me.

 "Can I steal you for a minute?" I once asked. Since we first met, something inside me changed, I experienced a side I wanted to embrace. Silly but happy, hopeless but romantic, yet unable to express. We argued, and with words and actions, we ended up hurting each other more than caring. Animalistic, unrefined actions, yet you were the catalyst that turned me into a philosopher. You were my chaos, I was doing just fine without you. When I cut you off the other day, I felt liberated by your shackles. But the day we met, it stung open an old wound, I realized there were a lot of things I left unspoken. Important things. After five long years without them, my panic attacks were back. It always killed me to feel this way for you. We were never some Romeo and Juliet, we were always doomed. You never gave a shit, so why do I? I climbed a mountain and danced in the rain, yet I cried. There was a void. You did nothing but your very voice in my head haunts love for me. Over and over I...

As history has time and time proven, evolution and revolution, we are inherently trapped. As the idea of Stoic life is much fullfill to live by. Our thinking brain loves it, but it's not comfortable for our feeling brain. As we disect every emotion and it's origin we're left with a logic. A logic that seems so meaniless, as it disrupts freewill. The harder you try to reason Love, or the more you try to formulate Loving; the harder loving someone gets. As life is entropy, as all thoughts and actions are inconsistent, one has no control. A society that acts on its animalistic instincts like that is not evolutionary beneficial. So the scholars (mostly rich and privileged) created lifestyle. Religions. Some OG influencers (like a spoilt prince who saw pain and hardship of the average for the first time in his life) question theses beliefs, ran away and lived a life of only suffering to find meaning, a decision which was purely unreasonable and fucking mental. He was eventually ...

Something broke inside me again. There was only a sound. As things started cracking. I never realized I lived in a shattered castle until the adrenaline wore off. I was happy being stupid. Ignorant. The past broke me. I fear loving Each waking moment, I question, Did I even love? I want it to hurt, But it doesn't. Is it a joke? Is it my descent into madness? As I drift along with Entropy. Pain and Love are only as inconsistent. Something broke again, Probably the ego for good. Perhaps it didn't.

Recently due to Barbenheimer, Barbie has gained quite traction. Movie watchers preferred Greta Gerwig's Barbie over Nolan's Oppenheimer. Why is that? Why do even men end up preferring watching a movie about a girl's play toy, over a movie about a man who is a real influencer in the field of science? He actually became a god, metaphorically, with the invention of atomic weaponry. On the surface, Barbie is a hero's journey about a woman called Barbie, who has an existential crisis. I don't wanna break down the script, but Barbie is not a movie about how the world sees women. It's a movie about how women see themselves. While most movies men enjoy are wish fulfilment of being the leading man, which they are not in real life. Barbie shed some light on similar topics for women, or it tried to. Greta's Barbie, played by Margot Robbie, tries to appeal to both male and female gaze. Barbie's innocence makes her a typical Venus, or 'born sexy yesterday' tr...

  I almost forgot how to write. Felt like I forgot to live for once. Words I left unspoken, unwritten, Some days those words just bring to life a new tale; One of misery, one of love, one of fear. Each letter as harsh as those scars. I fear opening up would drive life away I fear losing hope again I fear startling you I fear you'd be gone like a dear I fear you'll see who I'm not I can't bear it again. We have been broken once Betrayed, replaced, abandoned Treated like fools Used up like a toy they got bored with. No one understands this pain They just think they do Do they? Each day as we speak, I can't help but fall in love; Yet each day, I fear it's too soon. Each day you give me a reason to love you even more. Yet each day, I fear I'll be hopeless again. As you chuckle through my narration of this comedic ballad As you understood every emotion I try to convey I can help falling in love again. Some days I don't want our conversations to end Some...