Let's Just Talk

My Dear Vega... As days go by I've seemed to have gotten impatient. There's something about these last couple of days each moment makes me more agitated than the last. I don't know what's gotten into me. Each day feels like I'm living on the edge of a cliff, Every waking hour I miss you Every time I look at the sky, I ask myself what would you say? Every time I see a flower I wish to pick it up for you. Every time I try being normal, I just can't. Like I said you're intoxicating I long to meet you I long to know you I want to dance with you to your favorite song. I want to make you smile again. I want you to know you are beautiful  I remember our old conversations,  The way you giggled as I made you laugh, You forgot your pain for a while, And so did I. We seem so perfect for one another, Princess Vega and her silly Altair. - Your Wolfie Charming 🐺

I fell in love for the first time with a stranger, a soul so similar yet so different from mine. I couldn't stand her yet I craved her light. Back then I was searching for a reason to live, an early teen searching for his kind of people. I entertained a lot of disrespect and been judged for my ability to question, only to be around her. She was the prettiest girl I've ever met, while I was an asshole to everyone. She left my heart broken. Took my second love to fix it. My bestfriend. I never understood why she cared but she cared. She was crazy for breathing life into a dying corpse, my kind of crazy. She saw me get attached to objects of desire, she saw me learn to cook, she saw me fail at flirting, she saw me appreciate little things. She taught me to say "I love you" without hesitation. All those years we been through crazy shit. She fell sick, I would be worried. She failed, I'd encourage her to not give up. We put in efforts into each other, however little th...

It's been 4 years now. I don't remember what took over that day, as I stood there lost in my rage on that bridge. I never quite understood why I felt what I felt, but somthing cracked. I loved you, but I was enraged by you. So frustrated I almost texted you a rant. I still kept it, maybe I'm a drama queen. But it's been 4 years, and I still can't shake that feeling off. Each day it's repeated in my nightmares. I wanted to scream, I cared for you, but all I felt was neglected. Rejected. Judged. And I still can't stand it when someone makes me feel that way. Boiling my blood with rage, making me wanna rip their hearts out so they finally feel what I feel, heartless. I remember asking you once. You were once my safety net, but then you let me fall into the darkest pits of hell of my own creation. I ripped my heart out as an offering to you, but I squashed it before giving it to you. I'm not healing, thanks to you my Periwinkle. You were adorable but tragic....

Is it fair for me to wish for good people to stick around? Is it fair for me to wish things to be better? Is it fair for me to to hopeless wait? Is it fair to hold on to saying "I love you"? Is it fair? To die each night wishing for you to feel the same about me? I might be selfish but I want you to be happier than the last time I saw you. If only I could be a part of that smile, I'd be honoured. As time sperated us, I had no excuse to be around you, I felt like a mess without you. I remember the panic I felt the last time I said it to you, took me a while to heal. I guess that's just life. I'm sorry for what happened, we can't blame anyone, we were still kids, and time wasn't on our side. But I still wish you well, I hope you are smiling in a corner of this universe, while I rerun our quirky arguments. Each breeze would remind me of you, and I promise to love, and I'm sorry I hate you now, in the next life my Periwinkle.

I finally saw it in his eyes today. A defeated soldier waiting for the moment he perishes. A lost creature of a story that ended decades ago. Trying to find meaning in the mundane. Playing chance with life. Playing bets with all he's done. A man pushing his limits. His body now dying. A man without love? Or A man full of it? I wish to know him when he was younger. I've spent quite some time around him, but not significant enough to understand him. I've heard stories about him but none could be his legends. A Mystery slipping away, a man just as misunderstood as me. Somedays he's childish, somedays just empty, he's quiet, he's independent. He loves his garden to the point that it burns him, the same passion I inherited. His lust for victories, his distance from people. Often wondered am I just him in a younger body? Who does he think of when he's alone? Does he wish to change something for the better? His pain is unseen, Will it be enough to see it? Cause I c...

 Words can kill. The spark can be lost just as quickly. "Stars exploded in the night sky but no one heard a thing. Silence followed this chaos. Things happened. Yet... A sudden smile ran up my face. In the middle of this pain, I choose to stay, with this familiar unfamiliarity." And soon it was Daylight.

 Life is crazy, one moment in life breaks you, the other builds you; the cycle goes on. But some things are more interesting and weirder than this. Sometimes we can’t resist someone, we find love and care within ourselves for them. Things we hold on to as souvenirs of their memories. When forced to stay apart from them, it hurts to the point that we’d fight for them. Sometimes in life, these are the people we can't live without. We are addicted to them, even possessive. We crave even the shortest conversation with them. We get jealous of those who could speak a thousand words with them. "Why can't I be the same?" unconsciously their smile becomes yours. It's funny when we realize all of this was just a little too much, guilt soon follows, and we begin distancing ourselves from love, a madness. We're sick, broken, idiotic, sociopathic, mentally troubled; whatever this world can throw at us. This is where life tests us. When all beliefs are lost and we're co...

 I wish to write a thousand words but, no one is here to listen. Time is making me go insane again. I wish to hold on to the daylight but it's running faint in these darkest hours. I've been praying for the courage to say it out loud. This fear is killing me again. As chaos follows me. I feel just as empty inside without you. With you, each moment, however short, is worth it. I'll choose you all the time. I wish for you at every moment in life.

 Been laughing so loud, I'm breathless As time closed in I remembered I was gonna lose you. Time! The greatest thief to have ever lived. The one that stole my laughter, Friends, Happiness. I wish we could freeze these moments we shared. I'll be holding on to the little scraps you left behind, Tokens of our victories, I'll hold on to it all. I just wish to scream out loud, "I love you, Daylight" But I'm afraid, again. This pain is sickening. These moments away from you, I can't breathe. Please stay...

These cold sunny mornings leave me with a fuzzy feeling. I hate waking up. I love the comfort of sleeping all balled up in my cozy blanket. Letting myself be at ease. Yet each morning, I wake up and make a run. The kind I hate. The kind that leaves me breathless. To a place that brings me discomfort. To people who know me but don't understand me. To the ocean of unfamiliarity. From a Dream forest of comforting fantasies. All and all just to be good enough for you. All and all to be alive for you. All and all to love the daylight. Maybe that fuzzy feeling is love. The warmth of sunshine in the cold mornings. I'll miss these cold sunny mornings.

 It's difficult to love people.   Conditional love is easier, you stick around until the needs are fulfilled. Many friendships start this way, attachments. As birds of feather would often flock together until the cat arrives, time.   Time tests Love.   Unconditional love is difficult to find. It's difficult to maintain in this conditional world. Broken people often lose it.   This kind of Love inspires us to fix ourselves from within. It's natural, not forced upon you. But our fears and past experiences will tell us otherwise, they'll question it every time.   In the end, Love is Daylight.   Without Happiness, Love is Pain. With only happiness, it is Euphoria. It's complicated yet simple enough.

Why are all writers broken? We craft meaning from these broken shards of our soul. Broken by hope Broken by love We bleed blue We streal words from the books we love, We steal moments from time, We steal life from death, We craft our meaning from nothing. We lock it away like our treasure in our chest where we come to bleed blue. Isn't it cruel? I never heard your side of the story. Neither did you hear mine. We simply misunderstood each other. The time wasn't on our side. I still wish we talked. It's painful but real.

 Scribbling down pain might just be the best way to cope with it. Slowly learning to tolerate it. Some nights, it gusts over me like the winter breeze. Some days are a burden, more like every day. After a while, no matter how hard I try, I feel this dread, as if something is still holding me back. Why can't I speak what I have to? Why can't I be myself around the ones I wish to hold on to? These mood shifts, these constant reminders of not being enough, this fear of rejection. Yet amid all this chaos, that smile. A smile I'd die for a thousand times.

"Imagine meeting someone who wanted to learn your past, not to punish you, but to understand how you needed to be loved" it read. Aren't we then looking for love in the wrong places? If love was this easy, people wouldn't be called creeps for trying to love someone. Love is complicated, it's physical, emotional, and mental. If one's unavailable in either one of these departments they risk losing love. It always starts with curiosity, then attraction, and slowly turns into affection, and eventually attachments. In this world, there's no such thing as Love left anymore. Everyone plays it like it's a game of Uno, where the cards are drawn at random and your ability to play is influenced by multiple factors and participating players. Love is not chess anymore, where it's only two players playing. It's funny how some would just refuse to play out the fear of defeat, while some would just play anyway. One's love for objects is much easier to defi...

It's midnight, yet the thought of you crossed my mind. We aren't even friends yet this thought won't let me sleep. I picked up my pen and started writing. As far as I can remember I first saw you when you spoke the other day. Acted all silly, doodling on sketchbooks and walls, saying it's fun. I think I noticed you when you wrote a poem about your love. But searching back, I realised we crossed paths before. It was a monsoon trip. I have no idea where you were or who you were with, I was busy dealing with my own life. Heartbreak. Existential dread. This question still bugs me, what if we talked that day? Perhaps, I would have forgotten about you just as quickly. I remember us brainstorming over a mystery, and playing a game. A couple minutes later I forgot, I was too busy again with another fantasy. Each moment I saw you, I wanted to be more like you. Childish, and carefree for a moment, perhaps you made me realize I could just love myself again. That for once I can let...

I once wrote in 2018: "If you have made a bad choice, Don't be afraid, The legends, The epics, The great novels, Were all born from bad choices. Bad choices make good stories. You don't get what you want, You don't need what you want, Your present is everything. So, what if you made some bad choices, They make a better story. Why not wait until the good stories come, Why not wait until you have some hope, Why not stand until your dreams aspire you, Why not make a bad choice of waiting, Why not go and work on it without quiting? What is more important is that you choose your faith." It's almost 2024, starting to hate how this hopeful kid became such a nhialistic Narcissistic sociopath like me.

 "Can I steal you for a minute?" I once asked. Since we first met, something inside me changed, I experienced a side I wanted to embrace. Silly but happy, hopeless but romantic, yet unable to express. We argued, and with words and actions, we ended up hurting each other more than caring. Animalistic, unrefined actions, yet you were the catalyst that turned me into a philosopher. You were my chaos, I was doing just fine without you. When I cut you off the other day, I felt liberated by your shackles. But the day we met, it stung open an old wound, I realized there were a lot of things I left unspoken. Important things. After five long years without them, my panic attacks were back. It always killed me to feel this way for you. We were never some Romeo and Juliet, we were always doomed. You never gave a shit, so why do I? I climbed a mountain and danced in the rain, yet I cried. There was a void. You did nothing but your very voice in my head haunts love for me. Over and over I...

As history has time and time proven, evolution and revolution, we are inherently trapped. As the idea of Stoic life is much fullfill to live by. Our thinking brain loves it, but it's not comfortable for our feeling brain. As we disect every emotion and it's origin we're left with a logic. A logic that seems so meaniless, as it disrupts freewill. The harder you try to reason Love, or the more you try to formulate Loving; the harder loving someone gets. As life is entropy, as all thoughts and actions are inconsistent, one has no control. A society that acts on its animalistic instincts like that is not evolutionary beneficial. So the scholars (mostly rich and privileged) created lifestyle. Religions. Some OG influencers (like a spoilt prince who saw pain and hardship of the average for the first time in his life) question theses beliefs, ran away and lived a life of only suffering to find meaning, a decision which was purely unreasonable and fucking mental. He was eventually ...

Something broke inside me again. There was only a sound. As things started cracking. I never realized I lived in a shattered castle until the adrenaline wore off. I was happy being stupid. Ignorant. The past broke me. I fear loving Each waking moment, I question, Did I even love? I want it to hurt, But it doesn't. Is it a joke? Is it my descent into madness? As I drift along with Entropy. Pain and Love are only as inconsistent. Something broke again, Probably the ego for good. Perhaps it didn't.

Recently due to Barbenheimer, Barbie has gained quite traction. Movie watchers preferred Greta Gerwig's Barbie over Nolan's Oppenheimer. Why is that? Why do even men end up preferring watching a movie about a girl's play toy, over a movie about a man who is a real influencer in the field of science? He actually became a god, metaphorically, with the invention of atomic weaponry. On the surface, Barbie is a hero's journey about a woman called Barbie, who has an existential crisis. I don't wanna break down the script, but Barbie is not a movie about how the world sees women. It's a movie about how women see themselves. While most movies men enjoy are wish fulfilment of being the leading man, which they are not in real life. Barbie shed some light on similar topics for women, or it tried to. Greta's Barbie, played by Margot Robbie, tries to appeal to both male and female gaze. Barbie's innocence makes her a typical Venus, or 'born sexy yesterday' tr...